Karl Baz

Emergency Edit: You make me touch your hands

Emergency Edit is my new monthly exercise. In it I’ll pick up an internet meme of horrendous grammatical quality and try to figure out the author’s original intention, then edit/rewrite their work into shape.

This month’s Emergency Edit comes courtesy of the famous ‘You make me touch your hands for stupid reasons.’ Follow the link to hear a dramatic reading of this letter; it’ll help you appreciate my editing.

Dear Loser,[Chris]~~~~!!!!!
I thought you liked me you said it yourself I hate you .People only say you asked me out because you needed a date for the dance and that after the dance you would dump me well guess what bastert i dumped you cause you were thinking that i cheated on you i didnt so like idiots that you guys are and so smart that you are you called me a slut.I hung up on you cause you tol me it on the phone because i guess you werent man enough to tell me it in my face!I hate you and also guess what my mother hates you to that she the one who put me to do this ,you come to breakfast every morning and I aint stupid you try to sit next to me and my lil bro who only 7YRS old hates you to and dont even know what you did and is always blocking your chair.haha!I went out with another boy after you and after we were over you an idiot dared you even tried to ask me out again i didnt break up with him for you OK! I hate you ive always hated you spreading to everyone that i cheated on you when you just got jealouse that i used to talk to your friends to your so jealouse you automatically think i like them well guess maybe i do maybe i dont gotta problem you aint my boyfriend anymore I dont have to tell you who i like or who iam with and why got it i dont like you anymore the other day you told me that I have to tell you who I like or who Iam thinking of going out with its none of your buisness got that to you loser!I hate you and I know you still like me but i dont like you i dont care what your stupid friends say you make me touch your hands for stupid reasons u accidentally say you hugged me i will never like you again I HATE YOU I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS DAMN WORLDDDDDDDDDD id rather date a spider or rat den u ur soooo ugly and fat !!!!!!!!!!And then saying that i loooooooved you pleasssse!!!!!!!!!!!Your such n ass wipe n bastert!! I HATE YOOOOOOOOOOU

Well bi you piece of shit i have more things to do right now then remember YOU

(edited version after the jump)

Dear Chris,

Did you ever really like me? I truly thought you did; but why would you lie about something like this? I’m confused, and I’d rather we not see each other again.

I feel used; friends have hinted that you only wanted a date for the dance, and that you would leave me soon after. I can’t handle this tension, and I’ve decided to preemptively walk out on you. And those rumors you’ve been spreading: me cheat on you? That’s just juvenile.  I may not be bright, but I still have my dignity, and I deserved to be directly confronted with the truth.

I fought for you, you know; you left a bad impression on my family every time you came over for breakfast; did you think my mother wouldn’t notice your inappropriate advances? Even my brother was disturbed, and he’s only seven!

In our last conversation you asked whether I’d been with other boys, and considering the rumors you’ve spread and your clear intention to break up with me I don’t think that’s any of your concern anymore; you are no longer my boyfriend. Who I like, date or see in my free time is my business, and I’ll thank you to mind your own.

You’re a failure Chris, a failure in love and life – a loser, dare I say; and in our short time together you’ve been a bad boyfriend. And Chris, for your sake, stop making women touch your hands for stupid reasons; the experience was just.. strange.

I hate you Chris; you make me want to use capital letters and bad grammar. Feel free to mutilate the truth – you’re good at that – but as far as I’m concerned we’re through. You’re rude, deceitful, ugly and fat.

Goodbye Chris, I have a life to live without you.

Think you’ve found grammar that can make me cry?  Mail it here, and if it’s horrible enough I’ll put it up.

Categories: Bloggers

Long live the Dutch

Photo (and cupcakes) by Clever Cupcakes, Montreal

‘Well, if all else fails, we can always get married.’

She actually said that.

I’m a delicate flower; and naively I thought that when my future wife proposed to me – yes, she would propose to me! – she’d bring flowers, diamonds and a puppy. Instead, this pragmatic Dutch girl catches the corner of my eye and raises an eyebrow in anticipation.

I squealed like a 16-year old birthday-girl with a giftwrapped unicorn – on the inside.

‘I was actually thinking that myself.’

I don’t think she expected that answer; but then she doesn’t know what I know.

Most countries have their local flavor of princesses: the pretty but not necessarily bright girl who propels her self-esteem through life one Gucci bag at a time. Men everywhere have suffered them, I know, and have developed sage-patience and titan-strength (I’ve been playing God of War, sorry) but I promise you have not endured until you’ve been with a Lebanese Princess.

Yes it’s a proper noun.

So when a pretty Dutch girl offers unconditional love, a low-maintenance contract and a generous dose of geekness, you grab her; you grab her before she ever meets a Lebanese Princess.

Yes, it’s a proper noun.

So we’re getting married, and I couldn’t be happier. Dutch people rock.

Categories: Bloggers